During the production of The Alchemy of Hindsight, there were many times where I needed to focus only on the music. And when I turned off the vocals, I noticed how it allowed the arrangements to shine a little more. The lyrics are a very important part of this album, but I am very aware that my vocal limitations are definitely a weakness. So, I decided to make an instrument-only version of the album for those times when I just want to listen to the music.
You may not have the will to die, but can you find the will to live?
A few years ago there was a period where, among other things, I was really struggling to feel the pleasure and hope in life. So, I sought help which made a huge difference. This song is a reflection on those times and an encouragement to the “me” of that moment; look at how far you’ve come and trust that you will go further.
Somewhere down the line the fun stopped being easy
The passion so hard to find
Remote and illusive
Blue sky clouding over
Though you don’t have the will to die
You struggle with the will to live
Break through
There’s a younger you who would be so proud
If he only knew the things you’ve done
Who he’d become
Break through
There’s an older you looking back on now
Feeling gratitude for the man you save
By being brave
Somewhere down the line the bright became an effort
Denying the dim inside
And hope became hollow
Lost faith in tomorrow
You may not have the will to die
But can you find the will to live
Break through…
Don’t get lost in this confusion; what is real and what’s illusion.
This song is not so much about coming out but more about that period of questioning and growing self-awareness that marked the transition. Feeling some things crumbling while other things are finally making sense and coming into focus is a strange and unsettling experience.
So you’re feeling strange, your truth is leaking
Your identity evolving but it feels like it’s dissolving
You’re no longer sure of who or what you’re seeking
(Waiting for the fog to lift)
Don’t get lost in this confusion
What is real and what’s illusion
You will find the way to be true
Learning how to feel the real you
And you fear the fire you feel awaking
That a lifetime of suppression be undone by one obsession
That the burn could get so strong there’s no mistaking
(Waiting for the fog to lift)
Don’t get lost…
Face the fact, there’s no point in denying, this is who you are and it’s no surprise
So, face the fact, too hard to keep on trying to be someone else when it’s just a front
When you kiss him for the first time, it will feel right, it will make sense
Don’t get lost…
You’re weird. You fear it’s what they’re all thinking of you. It’s true; so why don’t you wear it with pride? Don’t hide, don’t leave any doubt, make it clear. You’re weird.
I’ve always felt a bit weird; out of place. Maybe we all feel that way, but I can only speak for myself. The thing is, the feeling has always been there and I now realise it will never go away. So, maybe it would have been better for me to have embraced it more and worried less about whether others would notice.
It’s the feeling you get when you regret what you let yourself say or do
It’s the way that you think you’re out of sync with the people you see around you
Perpetual doubt, the odd one out, so you try to stay on your guard
Don’t let it drop, the shame might stop but the keeping it up is hard
You’re weird
(You fear) it’s what they’re all thinking of you
(It’s true) so why don’t you wear it with pride?
(Don’t hide) don’t leave any doubt, make it clear
You’re weird
Behaviour is learnt when you get burnt
Every time when you feel the flame
You learn how to hide your stranger side so they won’t notice you’re not the same
You’re in their sight but not quite right
That’s the story inside your head
A word away from exposé so you go it alone instead
You’re weird…
The pictures you paint, relentless restraint
It’s utterly exhausting and ultimately pointless
You’re weird…
He’ll say what they “need to hear” and sort out their problems. No need for experience; the novice philosopher.
In my late teens-early twenties I can recall having some firm philosophies about life, the universe and everything. Nothing harmful, but these days I would definitely say they were ill-informed. This song is meant to be a playful dig at that younger me who thought he knew so much more about things he really knew nothing about.
He’ll say what they “need to hear” and sort out their problems
No need for experience
The novice philosopher
It’s easy to be an expert
To make a judgement when he hasn’t a clue what it feels like in the moment
But that won’t stop him
He has theory and opinion and correctness telling him what to do
Never mind if he’s never suffered their pain
What the hell makes you think you should be a part of this discussion? Quit it!
He’ll say…
It’s so easy to be perfect and self-righteous when it isn’t his life in the spotlight
No sign of insight in his conviction
And what meaning has him believing that he is helping from his little cocoon?
Giving counsel, his world too narrow to know
What the hell…
But I’m being harsh, his heart’s in the right place, he wants to enlighten
And I know it’s hard but best of intentions aren’t always enough
He’ll say…
There’s belief and there’s acceptance. In time, you’ll learn the difference.
As odd as it sounds to me now, the faith I followed in my younger years was founded on intellectual decisions; hedging my bets on the meaning of life based on what seemed to be the available choices at the time. And for many years I mistook those decisions for belief. It was only when I was forced to confront my faith in my 30s that I learnt a valuable lesson about belief and acceptance. I had accepted so much as truth when deep down - I didn't really believe it at all; I just hadn't taken the time to dig down that deep until then. And at that moment, for me, the “spell” was broken. It was an epiphany that I am very grateful for.
And, as with all of the songs on this album, this is only my experience and not in any way a judgement on the experiences or beliefs of others.
In search of a key to the uncertainty in the world you see around you
The need to control or at least find a soul that could give a sense of purpose
Though something so illogical and mystical could seem the perfect answer
Beware of the trap, emotion turning your back
When your head would serve you better
I know you want to believe, I know you need to believe
But there’s belief and there’s acceptance
In time, you’ll learn the difference
It’s too easy to feel like the spirit is real when you build your world around it
Go along for the ride if you’re willing to hide from the inconvenient questions
I know it can feel wonderful and powerful
And wonderful to swim in those emotions
But maybe your hell is when you’re kidding yourself
On the way to your devotions
I know you want to believe…
There can be comfort in chaos, in not having the answers
In not finding a meaning, in not needing a purpose
I know you want to believe…
For better or for worse, this yearning that you feel will fade.
I vividly recall a period in my late 40s; I was between relationships and keenly felt the absence of having someone in my life. Whether it was real or just a romantic notion, there was a part of me that felt very unfulfilled at that time. The good news, I think, is that age has definitely mellowed those feelings and I believe that I’ve come to a much more balanced viewpoint, for me at least.
Longing for a life you cannot live
Burdened by a gift you cannot give
Feeling like a dam could break
The constant ache of holding back
Feeling like a traveller denied
Hungry for a taste you’ve never tried
Hoping for a chance to be
The man his dreams are waiting for
You won’t forget the yearning years
But time will change your view
You’ll get beyond the lonely tears
Searching for a match to your embrace
Picturing a love you can’t replace
Feeling there’s an empty void
That could be joy in someone’s arms
You won’t forget…
You’re wishing for
Someone to share these
Moments you’ve been holding out for
I know it will get easier
For better or for worse
The yearning that you feel will fade
You won’t forget…
Can we deny the decisions of youth? Choices we made in good faith of the future.
Part of the notion of “many lives” relates to feelings, decisions and choices that were heartfelt and honest at the time, but may feel foreign later in life. Does our perspective later in life invalidate what came before? No, I don’t think so. But it can make reconciling different “versions” of yourself challenging to do without tying yourself up in guilt or falling down an endless hole of “what ifs”.
And, I know one of the main lines in this song, “there’s no words to say”, is grammatically incorrect. I know, I know. But it only occurred to me after recording and I honestly couldn’t find anything that worked better for me. So, I made an “artistic” decision to keep it.
With intentions that were right, when every moment was the truth
You didn’t try to tell a lie
It just happened and there’s “no words to say”
Could it have been another way when at the time it was the best?
Was it a path you could avoid?
It just happened and there’s “no words to say”
Is it a lie (is it a lie) if you can’t see the truth?
Shadows can hide what’s inside if we let them
Can we deny (can we deny) the decisions of youth?
Choices we made in good faith of the future
And would you try to change the story were you aware of what could change?
It’s not a plot you can rewrite
It just happened and there’s “no words to say”
Is it a lie…
Don’t let them keep a hold on you for far too long.
In many ways, this song is a companion to “The Boy Who Feels Too Much”. Like many kids, I experienced my fair share of bullying, both direct and indirect and from many different sources. I have encountered some of those same bullies a couple of times later in life and it’s always surprised me how inconsequential their attitudes have been. Very much like “well, what are you holding on to that for?”. And, as much as that may be about them refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, they do have a point. It’s easy to hold on to these things far too long, allowing their impact to be far greater than the event ever was.
And in case it’s not obvious, I purposely wanted the music in the chorus to be a bit too jolly just in order to highlight the disconnect between the different peoples’ experiences.
In the playground he’s a target, separated, isolated
And the same ones, they take turns to try to hurt him ‘cause he’s different
When they scare him it will scar him, fog the memories of his childhood
He’ll let them keep a hold on him for far too long
Then they might meet one day, just for them to say
That they don’t remember anything about it
“How’s life been with you, anyway?”
In the place that should be refuge with the ones who should bring comfort
But the teasing just continues in the guise of building tougher
No intent to understand him, no attempt to look for healing
He’ll let them keep a hold on him for far too long
And they’ll come ‘round one day, and he’ll hear them say
That they don’t remember anything about it
“So, what’s for dinner, anyway?”
Need to realise, it’s just mindless, no excuses, no defences
If they chose to never own it, if they joke or just ignore it
Don’t let them keep a hold on you for far too long
Then they might meet one day…
And they’ll come round one day…
And they say you’re being too emotional. And they say that big boys never cry. But they don’t tell you the price you pay to live a life in this way.
I was a bit of a sensitive child; I often struggled to handle emotions that would suddenly erupt into feelings too big and overwhelming to contain. The people around me tended to treat it as a character flaw; something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. They took the approach that I needed to be toughened up. I still feel their disapproval and disdain. And, it may have been a sign of the times, but nobody seemed interested in actually helping me to harness or live with these emotions. So, instead, I learnt to suppress them. It was only in later life that I came to appreciate how harmful that was.
I can see you there, you’re in tears again
From the words they say and the teasing games
And you feel alone, and it doesn’t help
When you lose control, when you take their bait
Every time the feelings overwhelm you
Every time you’re lost within yourself
Every time the ones who could console you turn away
Don’t believe the things they say (the boy who feels too much)
It’s OK to feel this way
Don’t deny the cry within (the boy who feels too much)
Boys don’t grow by holding in
The boy who feels too much
I can see you there with the ones who shame
When they ought to care but they’re all the same
And they say you’re being too emotional
And they say that big boys never cry
But they don’t tell you the price you pay to live a life in this way
Don’t believe…
If I could be there I would hold you tight
Be the person that you needed
I would tell you it will be alright
Don’t believe…
Don’t turn your back on your other lives. They won’t pull you down; they will make you stronger.
After coming out, I found myself in quite a different world; I needed to forge new connections and relationships to navigate and make a success of this new life. And my old relationships often felt at odds with this new world. And wrongly, I sometimes felt that these worlds and relationships were incompatible; that I had to choose between them. Consequently, I allowed some relationships to wither. I regret that now.
Surrounded by a different world, you’re living in another life
And everything you did before, you see it in a different light
But don’t turn your back on the lives you led
On the dreams you had, or the ones you left
No, don’t turn your back on your other lives
They won’t pull you down, they will make you stronger
The feeling it could fall apart, the worry you won’t feel the same
You feel the need to break away, the only way to make it through
But don’t turn your back…
It’s feeling like another life when, really, it’s a stepping stone
So, don’t turn your back…
Here’s a chance to feel what you are made of. Try to keep your nerve; it’s a learning curve.
This song is really a mash-up of two separate experiences.
Firstly, for much of my teens to early adulthood I disguised my avoidance of the things I feared as virtuous choices. Much of it was the fear of losing control and it's hard to remember how much I managed to convince myself otherwise.
And secondly, as a teenager, I had the usual unrealistic view of what "old age" really meant. I vividly recall realising that I would be 38 in the year 2000 and feeling disappointed that I would probably be too "old" to really make the most of the moment; I was spectacularly wrong.
This song is a mix of both of these concepts. A reflection on finding myself in situations I had never expected; and in some cases had actively avoided in the past. And of course, it turned out that there was nothing to be afraid of after all.
From the life he lived, so conservative, the fear of flying
To experiences and the differences he used to hide from
He thought by Y2K, he’d just be old and grey
A life so limited by constructs in his head
But now he’s here today, he’s got new games to play
Welcome to the world you were avoiding
Welcome to the side you tried ignoring
Welcome to the life you were afraid of
Here’s a chance to feel what you are made of
Try to keep your nerve
It’s a learning curve
Now the shoe is put on the other foot
And he’s still walking
Like he knew the words from the things he heard
But now he’s talking
He thought by 38 that it would be too late
He would have seen the best and what was left was less
But now he’s here today, he’s got new games to play
Welcome…
It may not seem to mean that much, but one day you will miss this.
I was born in England, but that didn't really mean much to me until I returned there for the first time in 2010. And since then, I've been increasingly drawn to my homeland.
This song was originally going to be an appeal to the younger me still living there who probably took so much for granted. But I quickly realised that the theme of “not realising what you have until it's gone” is so universal that I could apply it to many things in my life and life in general. That's when I decided to take a broader view.
And although it might seem like a depressing viewpoint to share, I'd rather see it as a pragmatic statement of living. We will miss things and there is no avoiding it. But that's OK; we will always have the memories.
The days you didn’t even notice, in ways that didn’t seem important
From the brilliant to the borderline, they’ll wane in time without warning
The games that didn’t feel like playing
Parting ways when you thought that you were staying
In the moment you don’t realise, or recognise any difference
It may not seem to mean that much, but one day you will miss this
Like a goodbye without a touch, one day you will miss it
The love you thought would last forever
The life you thought you’d live together
In the moment it won’t comprehend that things could end indifferently
It may not seem…
Time is not the enemy, hold onto the memory
It may not seem…
Mid-last year I was starting to feel like making some new music. Then, out of the blue, I got the idea to go away for a few days and treat it as a song writing retreat. I’ve never done anything like that before. Usually, songs have developed over a period of time, so this was going to be very different. Prior to getting there I had decided on a general theme, but that was all.
I booked 5 days for the end of July in a small cottage in the Barossa valley which was a perfect balance of comfort and seclusion. After unpacking my car and setting up the keyboard it was actually a bit daunting to sit down and hope something would happen. I made a list of topics related to my theme and then just picked one to start with. It really was a case of coming up with some words, melodies and chords. And to my relief, most of the time things just flowed. For some topics, I only had a couple of lines and a couple of bars. But I knew that was going to be enough to build something substantial later. In other cases, things flowed so easily that I had most of the song done. By the end of my stay, I had the beginnings of 11 songs. I added two more when I returned home.
On my return, I spent much of the following 6 months working on the album. To do this, I took a more disciplined approach than I think I’ve ever done before. I treated each part of the process as a distinct phase to be completed before going on to the next; writing, demos, production, mixing and mastering. Partly that was due to starting with a clean slate but also, having retired, I have a luxury of time that I’ve never had before. In the studio, my production approach was essentially the same as usual, although I drew on a new suite of Native Instruments plugins to provide the instrumentation and I think this has yielded a slightly different sound for me. As always, vocals were a challenge, but I think I managed to piece together some adequate performances. There are definitely still blemishes that I could remove, but I made a conscious decision to keep my perfectionism in check and not over-edit.
So, what was my theme?
Well, I don’t know if this is a common experience, but I often feel like I've lived many lives. By this I mean I can pick out various times of my life where I embraced quite dramatically different lifestyles or held essentially opposing points of views. This album is my response to that notion and the songs could be viewed as a series of “letters to my former selves”. Some of them are simply observations while others offer support or encouragement to a "younger me".
Writing these songs has also allowed me to step back and reflect on the cumulative impact of all our “lives”. I've grown to accept them as layers; each adding their unique nobbles and crevices to the present version of me.
I settled on the album title “The Alchemy of Hindsight” because the songs do allow me to revisit significant times of my life with the benefit of hindsight, which is a gift I do appreciate. And hindsight has the ability to transform, so I also saw these songs as a kind of personal alchemy.
But I do want to make very clear that these songs are meant to be about me; no-one else. And if I have a go at any viewpoints, I'm only having a go at myself.
I didn’t approach this album with any musical styles in mind. Instead, as the embryos of each song appeared, I decided to take them in whatever direction felt right. Occasionally, this even involved leaning into styles I don't particularly love. But for each song, I've tried hard to follow where I felt the music was taking me. As result, I've probably ended up with a bit of a mish-mash that's hard to classify, but that doesn't bother me at all.
As the song writing started outside of my usual studio environment, I recorded the initial ideas and sequences using Cubasis 2 on my iPad. On my return I loaded the MIDI from these sessions into my DAW Reaper where writing, production and mixing was completed. For this album I almost exclusively used instrument plugins from Native Instruments’ Komplete. Notable instruments featuring on this album include:
Abbey Road 80s Drummer
Abbey Road Modern Drummer
Studio Drummer
Battery 4
FM8
Hybrid Keys
Massive
Massive X
Razor
Scarbee MM-Bass
Scarbee Rickenbacker Bass
Session Guitarist - Electric Sunburst
Session Guitarist - Strummed Acoustic & Strummed Acoustic 2
Session Horns
The Grandeur
Symphony Series String Ensemble
For effects, I mainly used tools from iZotope along side the RC 24 and RC 48 reverbs from Native Instruments. Key iZotope tools used include:
Neutron 3
Nectar 3
Ozone 9 Advanced
Vocal Synth 2
The album was mastered using the standalone Ozone 9 app.
You can listen to the album here…
In July 2021, I spent a few days away by myself in the Barossa Valley. The aim was to start writing material for a brand new album of music. I had an overall theme in mind but nothing else to begin with. That retreat produced the beginnings of 11 songs; some were only a few lines or a few bars while others were almost complete. On my return home, I added two more songs.
Since mid-September, I've been working almost non-stop to turn these fragments into a new album. 12 songs have survived the journey and the album is almost finished.
So, why would a 60 (almost) year old retiree want to spend time pushing himself to create new music? And more importantly, why would he bother sharing the results with the outside world?
The first question is easier to answer. Music has always been my preferred form of self-expression and creativity. At times, it's also been a form of therapy. I finished my last album back in 2018 and last year it felt like it was time to get back into the studio. And, being retired, time was no longer a constraint.
I think the overwhelming motivation was to create a new body of work that I could feel proud of; both technically and creatively. Every single song I've produced over the years has been a progression and I get an immense amount of satisfaction from seeing my personal growth as a song writer, musician, producer and engineer. It's something to feel good about. With this album, I have learnt so much. I’ve acquired new skills and employed new tools and techniques. I’m not sure if it will be apparent to anyone else, but it is to me.
But why bother sharing the album with the outside world? With this album, I’m not pushing any musical boundaries and I’m definitely not riding any musical trends. But I feel it is a competent, heartfelt and honest suite of songs. Still, why share a body of work that will expose my weaknesses and limitations as much as it may demonstrate any artistry or musical growth? These are questions that I’ve really struggled with as the album has neared completion.
I don’t see myself as an entertainer and definitely not as a performer, but as an artist. And, in some respects, a work of art might not be considered truly complete until it has been unveiled. So, that’s how I’m approaching the impending completion of this album. It’s not really going to have a “release”, but rather an “unveiling”.
Of course, I hope that others will find something in these songs; I’d be disingenuous if I pretended otherwise. But over the years, I’ve learnt that it’s far more important for me to feel proud of my work. And I do.
If everything goes to plan, the album should be finished in about a month. I’d love to be able to unveil it on 29 March, but I’m not going to compromise anything to meet a self-imposed deadline. So, I’m conservatively saying it will be finished in April 2022.
Lastly, as a little teaser, the album will probably be titled “The Alchemy of Hindsight” and here is what I expect to be the final track listing:
One Day
Learning Curve
Don’t Turn Your Back
The Boy Who Feels Too Much
They Won’t Remember
No Words to Say
The Yearning Years
You Want to Believe
Novice Philosopher
You’re Weird
Waiting for the Fog to Lift
The Will
Lately I’ve been feeling inspired and motivated to work on new music. I haven’t done anything in that space since I completed Surrender in 2018, so it’s long overdue. I decided to try something different and book myself a few days away from home where I could immerse myself in music and be less distracted. It’s been a gamble, because I’ve never put myself in the position of having to “create on demand” before. There was a chance I’d come up with a big fat nothing. Luckily, ideas and snippets of new songs have flowed steadily. I came to the retreat already armed with an overarching theme (which I’m not going to divulge yet) and that made the process easier. I never intended to finish the songs here, I’d rather do that in the familiarity and comfort of my studio at home, but I have the seeds and a lot of lyrics for 11 songs, so I’m very happy and satisfied. My plan from here, is to develop the songs into a new album over the next 6-12 months.
The retreat has been in a little cottage in the Barossa valley, about an hour drive north of where I live. It was the perfect mix of seclusion while still being accessible enough for me to bring everything I needed. I took some time out from writing to take a few walks.
